Fran Wangu

When you have your first child, you don’t know what to ask for, what’s normal. I didn’t know that post partem was not normal. I didn’t know what normal behavior was for a baby, and I didn’t know how to ask for help.  My husband and I both thought he would be able to help a lot, but it turned out there was a lot he didn’t know.  My being sleep-deprived didn’t help us being able to work together.  I was super angry through all of this. I took it out on my husband. Who else can you take it out on?   Not your kid.  My best advice to new moms about their husbands…just don’t kill him!  And get through the first year before you think about divorce. 

Another thing that happened with my first was that I lost a lot of weight.  I got so many compliments, after I just had a baby, but it affected my nursing.  I couldn’t keep up my weight, never wanted to eat anything and lost all appetite.  I couldn’t function and I had months of that.  I was fighting depression without knowing for about 6 months. My baby was healthy and so was my husband, but I was stressed out to the max.

The last straw was when I sat down and looked at reality.  I was not functioning at work and was on the brink of being fired.  By this time, we had our second child.  We sat down and looked at our financial situation and what that would look like if I were to stay home with my two girls and how much was going to childcare, extra medical expense, extra food cost, transportation, clothing, and other expenses.   Daycare, food and medical were the biggest not spending I saw.  That was the turning point for me because I knew the benefits would outweigh any tiny extra income that I was bringing in.  It was ridiculous.  And I didn’t like my job.  That was part of it too.

Another thing that made it easier was that at the time our second child went to daycare, there were 3 other babies coming in at the same time.  Our child would come home from daycare, and we would just feed her and feed her.  The food we sent to daycare was not used. That helped convince my husband that there were other options.

A lot of people haven’t looked at stay at home parenting as a real option and I didn’t either until I got the book, A Way to Stay Home – You Can Afford Stay at Home Parenting.  I think there is a denial in our culture of the reality of how difficult it is to raise a family and work full time.  Somebody has to take care of the family and the home.  What’s the point of having children if you hand them off to another person to raise and only get the most difficult time of the day to spend with them?  Then on weekends, there’s so much to do, it’s just more stress.

So going from two incomes to one income was mostly about learning to stop spending.  I don’t spend money when I don’t need to.  I have reigned in holidays, gifting, food, and health insurance. I have negotiated student loan payments and stayed on top of debt.  Even things like buying something and it falls apart.  When I was working, I would just throw it away. Now I take it back, get my money.  I don’t waste our money on crap.

But the number one best thing about sahm-hood?  Lower stress and a more peaceful lifestyle. For instance, when I was working, I would pick up my child who was just learning to talk and she would jabber about her day and I would have no idea what she was talking about. I hadn’t seen her all day. I didn’t know what she had done or what she had seen.  It was frustrating for both of us.  Now, I know what my two-year-old is talking about because I have that connection.  I know what cartoons she watched and what she ate and what she is happy about.  Her jabbering makes sense even though I can’t completely understand her words.

The other thing is that I can take care of me.  I may not get as much sleep as I need every night, but I am much healthier and so is my family. Our stress is way down, we eat healthy food, and the house is at least manageable now.

With my third child, I was a sahp.  Not having the stress of knowing you’re going back to work was very different. It made the first few months after the birth a lot more enjoyable.  Not worrying about when I would have to leave her, save up milk, way less stress.  That was most valuable for me.

By Fran Wangu